


if your bones are now heavy things, like anchors hidden somewhere 'neath your skin

by Balthamos



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depression, Healthy Communication, Insecurity, M/M, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:14:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: They'd never talked about it, that night. Matteo knew David was sorry, he was sorry too. Wasn't that enough? Couldn't they just move past it? Had he learnt nothing about bottling up his feelings?
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Comments: 10
Kudos: 57





	1. so tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> Soo I just saw that you are taking prompts against and like gosh I missed your writing. So prompt angsty thingy. David finds out that Matteo broke his phone because of him, David finds out how much Matteo suffered after he wrote him he is not into him. And Matteo is still struggling in the relationship to grasp the concept that David is really into him or something like that?

David was snooping through his stuff. Had told him it was only fair. Said that Matteo rifled through his things every time he was over. Matteo didn’t really mind, didn’t have anything to hide. But he’d rather David would come and lay down with him. It was ten in the morning and David sitting at his desk supposedly working on his application for film school. 

Matteo was apparently sabotaging that by insisting he come lay down. That they would only end up making out and he would get no further along in his work. Matteo had reasoned he shouldn’t have come over if he wasn't going to give out cuddles. David had countered that it was worse when he was home constantly checking his phone. This was easier. So he was sitting at the desk and chatting away to Matteo. He’d been scribbling away in his sketchbook, bouncing ideas off Matteo, until he got bored of that and Matteo’s whining. Then he’d started going through his drawers instead. Which was rude. If he’d finished working why wouldn’t he come and lay down?

David glanced over at him to check but Matteo had just shrugged, there was nothing interesting in there. He figured he probably should stop him before David realised he tended to just shove everything in there and started teasing him for the mess. He just closed his eyes and listened to David rummaging through his things.

“A hundred and twenty euros? What are you dropping the cash on huh moneybags?” David span round in the desk chair, waving a receipt in his face.

“Huh?”

Matteo opened his eyes and looked at him slowly. He still wasn’t really awake even though David had been there for over an hour now. He was just so tired. He hadn’t slept properly kept waking in the night. He couldn’t settle for some reason, felt restless and anxious. He still felt that way, it was why he wanted David to come and lay down with him.

“You spent a hundred and twenty euros at an electronics store,” David said finally coming over to the bed. Matteo ignored the receipt and pulled David down to him.

David finally gave in and got on the bed, laying down next to him and pulling him against him. He wrapped his arms around and held him close, despite knowing Matteo would be useless now. He would go back to sleep in minutes now that he’d given in.

“Phone screen,” Matteo mumbled, curling up against him.

“Hm?”

“Broke my screen.”

“Yeah? Clumsy you,” David said, chuckling. He just sighed and tightened his arms around him. Matteo didn’t clarify anything just pressed himself closer and drifted off to sleep.

He woke up a couple of hours later feeling like shit. He’d dreamt of that night when he’d broken his phone and now he felt even less rested than before. Stupid David bringing it up. It was his own stupid fault for keeping the receipt though. Not David’s fault at all. If he’d just tidied up and thrown stuff away instead of holding on to everything and never throwing stuff out, he wouldn’t be in this funk. 

David was still there beside him, he was on his phone but he had an arm wrapped around him, fingers tangled in his hair. Every now and then he pressed a kiss to his head. Matteo closed his eyes. His head was pounding, he was starting to feel as shitty as he had that night. Everything suddenly felt raw again. His eyes were burning and his throat hurt from trying to hold back tears. He sniffled and David put his phone down.

“Ok?”

“I broke it,” he mumbled.

“Broke what?” David said, shifting and scooting down the bed so he was lying opposite him properly. He reached out and brushed the hair, that he’d messed up, out of his face.

“It was because of you,” Matteo said.

He hadn’t meant to say that but everything felt messy in his head. He couldn’t stop himself, it was like this monster inside of him that he couldn’t contain anymore and he knew he was going to hurt David but he had to voice it. Had to talk or he was going to scream instead.

“It was because of you,” he repeated.

David just frowned. He had no idea what they were even talking about. Matteo was never any good at explaining himself. Always rambling and throwing out random points.

“What was because of me?” David asked patiently.

Always patient, Matteo needed to stop this now before he hurt him. “I broke my phone because of you.” Why couldn’t he stop himself? He was going to ruin everything. His head was pounding and he just wanted to go back to sleep but didn’t want to be taken back to that night. 

“What are you talking about? If you dropped your phone because I distracted you then that’s on you not me. I’m not taking any responsibility for that.”

David was teasing him, just smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips. Matteo pulled back and tried to put some distance between them but David still had an arm around him. 

He was holding him tight but Matteo knew if started struggling he would let him go. He didn’t want him to let him go.

“Matteo?”

“You said leave me alone! You said you weren’t interested and-”

“Hey no, Matteo that wasn’t true,” David placed a hand on his chin and tried to get him to look at him but it was too late. 

He was spiralling, he couldn’t stop it now that he’d started. He was going to ruin everything, it was like watching a car crash in slow motion. 

“And it fucking hurt! It hurt so bad. I wanted to cry, I did cry and I wanted to smash everything in sight so I threw my phone on the ground and I smashed it up because I never wanted to see those messages again. And then I went home and smoked everything in sight and tried to block it all out. But it didn’t help, it hurt, it hurt so badly and nothing would make it stop no matter how much I smoked so I just laid there and Amira was there but she snapped at me because I was annoying her. Everything was so foggy and all I can remember was how much it hurt David. And then the boys were there and I screamed at them and I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop and I’m sorry... I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to…”

He’d really messed everything up now, David was never meant to hear any of that. He was supposed to keep it all in. Why had he kept that stupid receipt?

“Keep going,” David said, his hand still cupping his face, holding him tenderly. He held him close with the arm around his back.

Why hadn’t he left yet?

“What?”

“Keep going, tell me,” David said, he squeezed him close and despite himself, Matteo relaxed into him slightly.

“No,” he mumbled.

“Be honest don’t keep this in,” David said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.

“Tell me,” David said.

He had to tell him, he had to let it out. He’d started now he couldn’t stop. Even though he knew he was ruining everything he felt better for letting it out. “It hurt so much I couldn’t even understand but it was like everything made sense you know? Because of course, I would somehow fuck this up. Because it’s me you know? And I just wished to myself that I’d gotten a little more time before you’d realised what a loser I was and god... fuck I can’t, don’t make me...” He’d run out of steam now, it hurt too much to keep thinking of that time.

“Ok,” David said. He didn’t seem angry at him, he seemed sad. He looked absolutely devastated. 

This was all Matteo’s fault. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Hush now, come here,” David said, squeezing him tight, pressing Matteo against him. “You know that’s all bullshit right?”

Matteo just closed his eyes, he felt the tears begin to spill and he let out a choked up sob. He couldn’t help it.

“No shit! Sorry! It’s not bullshit, that came out wrong I just meant it was never anything to do with you. You know that right?”

Matteo shrugged.

“You know it was because I was scared to tell you I was trans right? Not because of you,” David insisted, wiping his tears away with his thumbs.

“Yeah, but what was it about me that scared you? That made you so cruel? No shit I’m sorry, David I’m sorry.”

David closed his eyes. He’d really fucked up now. He didn’t think he could fix this.

“David I-”

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t be afraid to be honest with me,” David said.

“I…”

“That message I sent was such bullshit, ok? I will never speak to you like that again. You’re right it was cruel. I knew it would hurt and I sent it anyway. I will never hurt you like that again but Matteo I was terrified. You were outside my door and I just wanted you to leave I just wanted more time but the second I sent it I regretted it. I wanted nothing more than to take it back,” David said.

“I’m sorry I pushed you. You asked for space and I pushed, I’m not good at reacting properly when I’m upset.” That wasn’t an excuse but that was what had happened. He was upset with himself for upsetting Hans and then that message had come through and he’d just… he didn’t even remember what was going through his head. He’d just needed to see David, to get one more chance.

“I know, I know, I wasn’t mad. I forgive you. Yeah, you shouldn’t have come over but I wasn’t being particularly transparent with you. I was so hot and cold, texting you then ignoring you, I must have been driving you mad. I know why you came over I get it, you needed to speak to me, you couldn’t trust what was on the phone. And I realised that when you came over. And it’s why I was so harsh. In that moment I needed you gone. I knew you liked me and I knew you’d argue and I’d give in if I let you in,” David said.

“It’s ok, I’m not upset with you, I shouldn’t have even said anything-”

“Yes you should, of course, you should, don’t keep this shit inside Matteo.” David had him in such a tight grip that even though this was a horrible conversation and he just wanted it to end he knew he had to finish and he felt safe enough to get through it.

He couldn’t keep it inside now even if he wanted to, it was as if he’d opened the flood gates, he was airing all his fears apparently. David was going to see just how annoyingly needy he was and he couldn’t help it. “I just… it’s hard you know, I don’t want to scare you away, I’m scared you’ll realise you could do so much-” 

“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence.” David was angry now, it flashed across his face as he tried to remain composed, tried to keep his expression calm. 

It was too late Matteo knew he’d fucked up. “I… sorry…”

But David knew now, he couldn’t take it back. He knew he’d had a breakdown over a couple of texts, knew how prone he was to overreacting. Now he knew he got like this, so needy and sad he wouldn’t want to stay. He didn’t know how to take it back make it right. David was going to leave and he’d be alone again. He couldn't help it. If it was already too late what did it matter? He clung to David, arms tight around him, gripping fistfuls of his shirt. He was shaking, his whole body trembling violently as he cried into David’s shoulder. He couldn’t control it, he just held on tight and waited for the inevitable.

But David didn’t pull away, he didn’t leave. David held him tighter. Pressed him against his chest and pulled the blankets over them, shielding them from the world.

“I love you, you do know that right? I think perhaps I don’t say it enough, it’s my fault you know? I get in over my head, worry that _ I’m _ too much, too clingy and needy, that we’ve only been dating what two and a half months? And I’m already in so deep and it shouldn’t be like this should it? Like the other day I was looking at accommodation for film school and I can’t afford any of it and it’s fine, I can stay with Laura, she’s not kicking me out anytime soon. But I’m already making plans in my head, I’ll stay with Laura for another year and then next year we should have enough money and we can move in right?”

Matteo just stared. David wanted to move in? David was making plans for a year from now? He nodded, he couldn’t help himself and David just smiled in return like Matteo was handing him the world.

“So maybe we’ve fallen deep really quickly but we haven’t not really. We went through a lot to get here, a lot of misery, it’s only fair our happiness is just as intense. But I love you so much and I’m going to tell you every fucking day, ten times a day, I don’t care if it’s too much, it’s the truth and you need to hear it, I know you’re the exact same kind of scared, you’re scared of being too much but I promise you you’re not. You can be as needy as you want, I’ve got an endless supply of love for you. Do you believe me? Please believe me.” David was begging, eyes wide desperate for him to believe it. For him to trust David’s voice over the voice in his head.

“It’s just-”

“I love you, Matteo, I love you.” There was an urgency in his voice, he needed Matteo to know this and he was scared that he wouldn’t believe him. But he did. It was just there was this small part of him, this part that had been huge until not long ago, that said he wasn’t worth it. 

David didn’t see it that way. David loved him exactly as he was, exactly like he did him. He loved him in that over the top intense burning way that he loved him back. He was just as needy Matteo realised, just as gone on him, he was just cooler about it. Or he was, he seemed to be ready to give up on that now.

“Since when?” Matteo asked quietly, burying his face in David’s neck.

“Huh?” 

“Since when did you love me?” he asked. He knew how long it was for him but he wondered when David realised. 

“Since always,” David said.

“Don’t fucking lie,” Matteo muttered that was total crap. And he wasn’t going to beat him on this. 

Matteo was pretty sure he’d loved him since the pool but he hadn’t realised it until it had all been snatched away. Even then he wouldn’t admit it to himself. Buried it deep because he’d lost it all anyway so what was the point? He’d started to accept it when he talked to Jonas and Hans at Easter, even if he felt it was hopeless it didn’t hurt as much he thought it would. It hurt but there was almost a comfort to it too. Bittersweet. He’d known for definite when he’d tried to describe what he loved about David to Hans and it was everything really but it was the way he made him feel.

When David smiled at him he knew he would do everything in his power to keep him smiling. When they spoke he felt listened to for the first time. It was different with David, he was listening because he wanted to hear what Matteo had to say no matter how big or small the topic. He’d never had someone’s undivided attention like that and it was terrifying but it felt amazing too. All those things he listed to Hans, it was all just David, he loved David and he was pretty sure that David loved him back.

That night when he first got him back after those two weeks he spent completely bereft, he knew. And even though he’d been frustrated with David sending him drawings but not explaining anything, none of it mattered when David walked into the apartment. He was clearly in just as much pain as he was and there was nothing he could do but hold him. The moment David stepped into his arms he knew this was the real deal. He was still sad, still nervous, nothing was fixed but he just knew it would be ok. Maybe not straight away, he could tell there was still something going on but whatever it was it wouldn’t matter. Because he loved David.

“No since… since I told you,” David said.

“In the pool?” That was when he’d said it but he’d felt it like longer to him. Maybe that was when David realised.

“No, since I came out, when I told you I was trans,” David clarified.

His hand was in Matteo’s hair again, fingers running through it loosely. It was making him shiver so he snuggled closer. “Huh?”

“I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t love you. I know I didn’t say it, I don’t know if I even knew but I did. Matteo, I just trusted you, I’ve never trusted anyone like that but I knew it would be ok, because it was you. And I knew I’d been shitty with you, dropping you with no explanation, confusing you with pictures but no actual conversation. I knew I was going to lose you and that was fair, I couldn’t keep you like that. But losing you wasn’t an option. I had to tell you, there was no alternative. I just couldn’t let you go, I loved you. But I also couldn’t start a relationship on a lie.”

David shuffled so that Matteo could hold him back properly, needing just as much comfort as him.

“It wouldn't... you never lied to me…”

“I lied when I said I wasn’t into you,” David reminded him.

“Ok but you not telling me wasn’t a lie,” Matteo said. It felt important to say that. He’d never felt like David had been lying to him, and David shouldn’t feel like he had either.

“No, it wasn’t you’re right. But I could’ve lied, I didn’t feel ready so I could’ve lied and said nothing was wrong but it was. I wanted you to know, I needed you to. I knew you and I knew it would be ok,” he said.

David was the bravest person he’d ever met. For him to trust him like that, to trust that he wouldn’t react badly or shittily he was very brave. He wouldn’t have trusted himself with his heart like that. But then David saw him very differently to how he saw himself. Saw him as kind and patient, whereas Matteo would just say he was slow. David thought he was brave, thought he was smart too. Told him how sweet he was at every opportunity he got.

That little voice in his head told him that if David trusted this ridiculous version of Matteo he had, maybe he was just stupid. But Matteo was learning to ignore that voice because David wasn’t stupid at all. So perhaps the way David saw him, although a little biased by the love he felt for him, perhaps that was a lot closer to the truth than Matteo was able to believe. It was certainly David’s truth. 

“I knew you loved me back,” David said, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Why’d you leave then?” Matteo asked. He wasn’t mad just curious.

“You needed time, you needed time to understand it. I could see you weren't upset or freaked out, you just needed to come to terms with what it meant. If I’d stayed you would’ve pushed yourself to say something before you were ready,” David said.

“Sorry I took so long, I hope I didn’t scare you,” Matteo said.

“We all have our own speeds, Matteo. But you kept in touch in your own way and I knew you weren’t ignoring me,” David assured him. 

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“You really love me?”

“Yes.” He was voice was firm and sure, no trace of frustration either. He was happy to tell Matteo this over and over again.

And Matteo needed to hear it. Needed David to fight against his doubts.

“I knew I just…”

“I know,” David just kissed him softly, gently, just a tender press of their lips together. “You’re just having one of those days huh? Feeling low?”

“Sorry you have to put up with me.”

“I’m never putting up with you Matteo, I wanted to be here so I’m here.” He kissed him again, chasing away the last traces of doubts he had. “I always want your company, even if you’re just sleeping.”

“I’m still really tired,” Matteo admitted, he wasn’t scared to sleep anymore.

“Do you want to sleep some more? Then when you wake will you read what I’ve got so far,” David suggested.

“Why?”

David pulled that face he pulled when he felt Matteo was missing something glaringly obvious. “Because I want to know what you think.”

“Oh.”

He seemed amused by his surprise and pressed several kisses to his lips. Or tried to through his smile. “Yeah oh. Sleep?”

“I think so, I had bad dreams before,” Matteo said.

“About that night?”

Sometimes Matteo thought David knew how his mind worked better than he did. He always knew when he was upset, when he needed quiet. He could tell when he was feeling lost and disconnected and would wrap himself around Matteo, grounding him. Anchoring him until he no longer felt like he was just going to float away.

“Yeah.”

“Hopefully, now we’ve talked about it you shouldn’t have any more,” David said.

Matteo believed him. That had been an absolutely horrible thing to talk about but he felt a lot better for doing so. He hadn’t realised how much it had hurt keeping it locked up like that. He needed to trust David more, or trust that he needed to know these things. That he wasn’t going to leave at the first sign of trouble. It was hard but he wanted to do it, talk about the hard stuff. He wanted to broach the difficult topics. Like why he was struggling to get out of bed before noon these past few days. He knew David was aware but he was grateful that he wasn’t pushing. Just coming over to his to do his application there instead of going to the railway yard like they had last week. But they needed to talk about it. And David would be patient with him as he stuttered through his explanation of how he was feeling. How everything was a bit heavy right now. And he would just hold him and keep him company until it passed. Because he loved him. He really loved him. He wanted to be here with him even when he had nothing to say. There was no rush either. David would wait for him always.

“Hopefully,” he said quietly.

“Before you sleep can you feed me?” David asked.

“You know where the kitchen is,” Matteo said. He grinned and realised that was the first time he’d smiled that morning.

Instead of pretending to be annoyed like he was supposed to David just beamed at him. His whole face lit up just from seeing him smile. Matteo knew it was because he was just happy that he was able to make a joke. He’d been worried, he hadn’t let it show but he’d been worried. From anyone else that would’ve felt like pity but from David it was nothing but love and concern and he revelled in it.


	2. and you were not like anyone i'd known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David can't let go of it, how much he'd hurt Matteo, how cruel he'd been. That was what Matteo had said, had said he'd been cruel and he had. He'd been harsh, mean, had upset Matteo almost to the point of destroying everything between them. All because he was just so scared. And now he was scared again, scared that Matteo wasn't going to stay, that he was going to see all that anger and that harshness again and flee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> So it's again about the messages David sent Matteo. I know you have written something about this before. But I would love to read a little continuation. How David still struggles that he have sent them. That he saw how bad it was for Matteo. That he had hurt him so so so much. All the love to you.

and you were not like anyone i'd known

David couldn't get the messages out of his head, he couldn’t get over how upset Matteo had been the other day. He’d cried, he’d panicked, he'd had nightmares for god sakes. It was all because of him. 

He’d never realised it would hit him that bad, but he should have. He’d sent them in a split second of panic, the pressure on him had been unbearable and caused him to act out, take control. Later that night, when he’d finally read them back he’d cried to himself over what he’d done. He’d ruined everything, broken things between them. All he’d wanted was more time, a bit of space to think things through, get ready to tell Matteo his truth. He’d never wanted to end things.

The first message he’d thought through a little. He’d needed a little space from Matteo, just to give himself a little more time. He’d thought Matteo would be a bit upset, but he’d figured he’d be used to him disappearing by now. David had never thought he would come round, demand to be let in like that. He’d been so scared, he hadn’t known what to do. Matteo wasn’t aggressive, he’d been a little pushy with Laura but he’d wanted in. He’d wanted to see David, fix things between them immediately. It was then that David realised that Matteo was invested too, that this wasn’t just some temporary thing for him. He would go at Laura’s insistence but he would come back again.

But he couldn’t face him then or when he came back and he couldn’t run away from him either, that was impossible. So he did the next best thing, he pushed hard. There was very little reasoning behind it, but he figured if he could piss him off, make him angry at him then he’d leave him alone and when David was calmer he could apologise. When he was ready to come out he could ask for forgiveness and tell him everything. But when he read the message back after his panic had subsided, he was able to read it from Matteo’s side and he knew Matteo wouldn’t be angry, that his anger would fade quickly to devastation. He would be hurt, destroyed by him. That was what broke him, he’d just ruined everything, this one good thing in his life and he’d thrown it away because he was too scared. 

But then for some reason, Matteo had let him back in, allowed him back into his life after everything. And David had told him everything, what he was dealing with, what he was going through, and Matteo had stayed, hadn’t been scared off at all. Yes he’d taken his time, worked it out, and what it meant for him. 

But then by the time David had worked up the courage to tell him, he was pretty sure it was his attitude, the way he’d messed Matteo around that had ruined things. It hadn’t, Matteo loved him exactly as he was and understood all his reluctance and hesitance and forgave him.

The messages had never come up again though. David had never explained or apologised and Matteo had held onto his pain, terrified of pushing David until he snapped again. He would never snap but how was Matteo to know that?

And now even though they’d talked about it, David couldn’t get it out of his mind. He felt like he’d still brushed over Matteo's pain with promises of moving in and a happy future. All of that was true, was really what he wanted for them, but Matteo was hurting in the present. David had hurt him in the past and he wasn’t letting him heal. 

Since their chat Matteo had been more hesitant not less. He seemed to think he was bothering David, that he’d reminded David of some nonexistent flaw he had, whatever it was that caused David to push in the first place. Even though it was nothing to do with him and everything to do with David.

He didn’t know how to fix this, how to make it right. He’d said sorry but that didn't feel like nearly enough, Matteo had hinted at how bad it had been but he hadn’t even been able to talk about it properly he’d been so upset. David didn’t even know the full story, how could he even begin to make amends? 

It was becoming too much to hold on to, he had to fix things, he had to make it right. It didn’t matter that it was three in the morning, this mattered more than sleep. He’d been pacing Matteo’s room while his boyfriend slept restlessly. That was probably his fault too.

He climbed onto the bed and dragged Matteo upright, shaking him awake almost violently. Matteo struggled and fought him off looking pretty terrified, which was understandable. But once he figured out it was David, instead of pushing him away he pulled him closer.

“What’s wrong?” he asked groggily.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” David said, pressing himself into Matteo, trying to hide, trying to bury himself in his chest and disappear.

“About what? David, what’s going on? Is it morning?”

This really wasn’t the time to be doing this, to have such a heavy conversation but he needed to. He needed to air all his fears and let it out. If he bottled it up any longer he would break.

“No it’s still really early but I had to tell you. I'm sorry for sending those messages, I'm sorry for causing you pain. I never wanted to hurt you but I should have known what it would do to you. I thought it would make you mad but I should’ve known it would make you sad, I _knew_ you, I knew how easily these things hurt you, I knew it was the quickest way to get you to leave, to stay away but I _knew_ it would hurt.”

David clung to Matteo tightly just hoping he would understand, that he would forgive him. Matteo held him back, still half asleep, trying to figure out what was even going on and why he was suddenly awake.

“I… what?”

“The text messages,” David explained, trying not to get frustrated, he needed Matteo to wake up and tell him everything was ok.

Matteo’s frown deepened.

“But we… you already said sorry for that,” he said slowly.

“No I know but… I dismissed you, I tried to make it ok but I can’t just brush over it like that. I need to… you talked about how bad it made you feel, that you were hurting so badly, I need to know how bad it really was,” David insisted.

Matteo shook his head and tried to pull away but David wouldn’t let him.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Matteo said.

“No you need to, I need to make it up to you but I need to know how it hurt you first,” David told him.

“No you don't, that's not how it works. You said sorry, I forgave you… I was... David the other week I was feeling really low and things like that get on top of me sometimes. I'm not upset with you, but going over it again would be so painful, I don’t want to do that,” Matteo argued.

And that was fair, he didn’t want to drag Matteo back into it, but he also didn’t want him to continue suffering in silence, dwelling on his memories of that night.

“But it’s on your mind all the time, you’re more hesitant around me now,” David said.

“No… I... yeah but it’s nothing to do with that,” Matteo said.

Then what was it? What else had David done, was he now hurting Matteo without even realising?

“Why then?” he asked.

Matteo shrugged and buried his head against David’s shoulder.

“Can’t help it,” he mumbled.

“Because you’re scared of me? You’re scared of putting me off? Of misstepping? Of somehow pushing me away? You’re scared of me because last time you dared to push I went ballistic, I hurt you and now everything is ruined,” David said, trying to hold back his tears.

“No that’s not it at all David,” Matteo said, holding him close, pressing kisses to his cheeks. “Let me talk? Let me explain all of this, it’s getting messy. Firstly you did not go ballistic David, I think you’re blowing it up in your head. You were harsh though and a bit mean-”

“I’m so sorry,” David whispered.

“I know, you already apologised and I forgave you. I'm doing better this week, but last week and when you sent those messages I wasn’t in a good place-” 

“I know and-”

“You’re sorry, I know you are David, but you’re also upset and it’s making you a bit confused I think. Can you listen to me?”

He would, he would always listen to Matteo but right now he was panicking and stressing and it was stopping him. He took a deep breath and let Matteo wrap them in the blankets. So much for making things up to his boyfriend, here was Matteo providing all the comfort. But perhaps he was the one that needed it. Matteo seemed ok.

“Yes,” David said quietly.

“Can you trust that none of what I'm saying is to make you feel bad? You want me to be honest so I will be but it is not to hurt you, what you said hit me hard, I was vulnerable but you weren't to know,” Matteo said.

David shook his head furiously.

“No I should’ve known better, I should’ve known how you’d react,” he insisted.

“David?”

Matteo was being far more gentle with him than he deserved.

“David I barely know what’s going on with my head most days, I don’t expect you to either. You are not a mindreader nor are you a therapist. You really do help me, knowing I have you really helps me, it’s such a comfort to me. It helps me not feel so lonely, so afraid all the time, you help me be brave and strong, you help me feel comfortable,” Matteo told him. 

“You do the same for me,” David said.

David had never felt so comfortable, so safe, so wanted until he met Matteo. He’d never felt like he belonged anywhere, with anyone until he found him. He didn’t say it lightly when he said Matteo was his home, it was the truth. He knew no matter what happened to him, if he had Matteo by his side he would be ok, he would be happy.

“That being said, you don’t owe me that, do you know what I mean?”

“No... what?” 

“Just because you do help doesn't mean you have to, right? You don’t owe it to me to stay just because you make me feel better,” Matteo explained.

David had no idea what was going on, he knew what he meant but it sounded like Matteo was leaving, the idea of that hurt more than anything.

“Matteo what?” he whispered.

“No no, I'm not being dramatic, in fact, I'm getting off track really. But I want to make it clear. I want you to stay because you love me, not because you’re worried I’ll break down and fall apart without you.”

“I… I am with you because I love you, that’s never going to stop. I know what you’re trying to say but it’ll never be like that. If anything I would fall apart without you, I can’t even imagine it Matteo, I don’t want to try,” David said.

“Ok, you won’t have to, it won’t come to that. But David, my dad stayed with my mum until he hated her, I can’t do that to you,” Matteo said.

David wondered how long Matteo had been worrying about this, quite possibly even before David had come into his life. He had had the worst example of how relationships should be. That could’ve made him an absolutely terrible boyfriend, but David was pretty sure it made him the opposite. Matteo was naturally kind and considerate to others. Yes he tried to mask it with his cheek and his grumpiness but David saw right through that. It meant he was naturally going to be a good boyfriend, caring and attentive. But David found himself constantly blown away by the degree to which it manifested. The way it came to him, without him even thinking about it. 

There was the way he knew just how to tease David when he was in one of his funks, he knew how to be so ridiculously annoying that David couldn’t do anything but smile, despite his mood. He never promised everything was going to be ok, like with his worries over his film school application. No, he just told him to try his best and that if he didn’t get in, it was their loss because David was destined to make the most beautiful movies in the world and they would kick themselves later if he hadn’t learnt his craft there.

The other day he’d been focused on his work, he’d been over at Matteo’s because he didn’t want to be apart but he’d mostly ignored him, despite the fact his boyfriend just wanted cuddles. Instead, he gave his application all his attention, he had worked solidly for over six hours. When he finally had something he was proud of he pulled his attention away from his work. 

Matteo had fallen asleep by that point, whatever video game he’d been playing abandoned beside him. David stretched, expecting to be stiff and uncomfortable but he wasn’t. At some point, Matteo had pushed him forward, put several pillows behind him and then stretched out his legs. He’d reminded him to stretch and move about and David had mumbled his agreement, barely paying attention. But it had worked, he’d done it anyway, whenever he’d noticed Matteo watching him he stretched just to make him smile.

He’d fed him too, had taken the laptop from him and replaced it with a plate of pasta, refusing to surrender his hostage until David had eaten properly. Matteo took care of him always. He was the best boyfriend David could ask for and he strived to be the same for Matteo. Of course he would stay and take care of him when things got hard. It was difficult to see Matteo in pain but he’d rather be with him through that than leave him alone.

“That will never happen Matteo,” David insisted. “I think your dad just wanted an easy life, he couldn't handle it when things got hard, when things weren’t as he imagined. I’m under no illusions that you struggle sometimes, but so do I. We’re real, everything is not easy or perfect, we’ll work at it and if things get bad for you I’ll just do everything I can to make it easier because I love you, that won’t change.”

“I… I love you too so much. I know we will be ok. I know you’re nothing like him. But it’s just…”

“It’s going to be a thought you have sometimes?”

“Yeah.”

David just kissed him tenderly, held him close, whispered words of comfort, trying to assure him that everything would be ok. Matteo sighed and pulled back from him.

“But I think what I'm trying to say is… sometimes you will say the wrong thing, sometimes you will say really shitty things in frustration or out of fear or in the heat of the moment. Sometimes you will be mean to me-”

“No never!”

“You will, and I will, we will fight, we will bicker, we will argue. We can’t possibly agree on everything, that’s impossible, and look trying to pretend to be perfect destroyed my parents. It's better that we accept we’re not and have it out and move past it. But we can’t do that if you're too scared to have a go at me sometimes. I’m not asking you to scream at me or anything but you can tell me off, I can take it, I'm not scared of you,” Matteo insisted.

David had definitely been doing that. Not holding back from fighting or anything but worrying about confronting Matteo. Like over these messages. Instead of talking to him rationally he’d held onto it, bottled it up until it exploded out of him in the middle of the night. He needed to trust Matteo more when he said he could handle things.

“Then why are you so hesitant?”

“Just worried about being annoying, that’s entirely separate to this but I think perhaps you’re just more aware of it, not that it’s increased or anything,” Matteo explained.

“How are you annoying?” David asked, so confused now. Why the hell was Matteo holding back from hugging him?

“David I want to touch you all the time, I want you to hold me constantly, when you’re working I just want to get between you and the laptop and cuddle and ok that’s a massive distraction for you but also it’s a lot. I don’t want to be too much,” Matteo said.

That was the furthest thing from the truth but Matteo had already told him how often his father had rejected his hugs. This hang up about being too much stemmed from that. Matteo was a big hugger, took immense comfort in it and constantly wanted to be held. But so did David, he would hold Matteo all day if he could. There were several occasions where he’d done just that. In fact the night they’d kissed they pretty much cuddled all night. Yeah, they’d kissed and wrestled and mucked around too. But that night Matteo had fallen asleep in his arms and David had never felt such a need to hold someone, protect them, love them. 

But he also got that those childhood fears didn’t go away. This wasn’t something he’d done, but it was something he could help. He could encourage Matteo to hug him more, just hug him all the time until he realised that he was never going to be treated like that again.

“You’re not, I promise you’re not,” David said, wrapping him up in his arms and squeezing him tight.

“Ok thank you,” Matteo said, smiling up at him fondly.

“Are we ok?” David asked.

“Do you accept that I forgive you?”

“How… how bad was it, really?”

“When? After the messages?”

“Yeah,” David said, closing his eyes and bracing himself for the worst.

“You know it wasn’t just you right? David, I love you and you’re a huge part of my life, even back then but I had a whole host of shit going on in addition to us figuring stuff out. My dad had left, my mum was losing it without him. Staying in that house was killing me, so I just left, just like him. Jonas was a complete mess over Hanna and that meant I had no one really. I was so lonely. Somehow I was dating Sara even though I was barely even present, I treated her like shit because I just wanted to feel normal. Feel part of something. 

“To be honest that was a terrible way to start something with you, I was a mess, it would’ve burned out regardless. I couldn’t have handled it, David I was a wreck. A complete mess, I was drinking and smoking nonstop, ignoring all my problems. You were never a cure for any of that,” he said.

“Matteo,” David whispered.

“And also yeah you paid more attention to me than anyone in my whole life so far, but that still didn’t mean you were to know just how much it would hurt-”

“But I did,” David insisted.

“No, you didn’t. You never intentionally set out to hurt me, there is no way you could’ve known how much it would hurt, you knew it would hurt but not how much. I didn't even know it could hurt that badly. You know what? I’m not going to tell you how bad it was, I already did. I'm not going over it again, not when you’ll just blame yourself. Yes, you hurt me, but so did literally every other fucking thing in my life back then. And you had a damn good reason to push me away, you were scared, you were so afraid of me finding out the truth. I can see just exactly your reasoning now I know the truth, what you must’ve been thinking. You thought it would be better that I hate you as who you were, not someone you weren't?”

David sniffled, that was a huge part of it, that and the need for time because he was always going to tell Matteo one day. He was serious about him, wanted him to know him in every way possible. But that was a huge thing and he’d been terrified.

“I just never wanted to hurt you, I don’t ever want to be the one to cause you pain,” David said.

“I think… I think maybe that’s impossible when we love each other like we do, it amplifies all those feelings, so when we say a mean thing, it hurts us badly,” Matteo said.

He was so clever, David already felt so much better talking to him about all of this, should’ve done so from the start.

“So then let's not say mean things,” he suggested.

“Let’s not, but let's also not hold ourselves to ridiculous and impossible standards. Sometimes I'm gonna say shit I don’t mean and so are you, we’re human David,” Matteo reminded him.

“Ok but-”

Matteo cut him off with a kiss. “I love you,” he whispered against his lips. “I know you’re pretty close to perfect but even you’re human David, you’re going to fuck up from time to time.”

David giggled now, he was being so silly. He wanted to be this perfect boyfriend but that was impossible. What mattered was that he was perfect for Matteo and Matteo didn’t need perfect, he just needed him.

“I love you too, I just… it hurts so badly that I hurt you,” he said.

“That’s because you didn’t want to and I know that. Last week, that was one of my low moods and everything was a little more painful, I'm better this week, it doesn’t hurt as much. Ok look, it really hurt, the message, but it also made me take stock. My whole life was a mess and I dragged myself out of it. I healed, I did it for myself because I didn't want to feel like that anymore because I didn't want to be alone, because I didn't want to scare my friends away. So I healed and I talked and slowly things got easier and once they did I was able to talk about you, and get some perspective because… it shouldn’t have hurt so bad, what you said. I knew that you understood me and should’ve known how bad it would hurt. And what’s more, I understood you, I should’ve seen that you were clearly going through it to send something so harsh. I know you were kind of all over the place with your messages but this was something else entirely. Something was wrong and it took me a while but I realised maybe it wasn’t about me. You even said it in your first message, you needed time, I made it about me and that’s why everything got so messy.”

“I…”

God, he was so perfect, David was speechless. Of course he forgave him, of course he’d never brought up the messages again, he hadn’t needed to, he'd already rationalised it perfectly. It had hit him hard last week because he was feeling vulnerable and scared. David had gone over because Matteo couldn't even get out of bed. If he’d found the receipt this week they could’ve probably talked about it a little more calmly. Yes it would’ve been upsetting but Matteo wasn’t upset with him anymore.

Matteo was smiling at him now, so earnestly.

“So that's what I set out to do, give you time,” he said.

“You did text me though,” David reminded him.

“Yeah ok I'm not that patient. I was drinking and lonely and you were sending me all this art and I just fucking missed you. It was like this huge ache that wasn’t going to go until I got you back. Plus Jonas was saying all sorts and I was listening because I was a bit drunk but also I was fed up, you were leaving drawings for what? Why couldn’t you speak to me? What were you so scared of? I know why now but I think you needed a push,” Matteo said.

That was so true. David had been ready to go over all week but it was Matteo’s text that finally got him moving.

“I did, I was so scared of losing you, I was pretty much loitering by your apartment anyway. I was just wandering around and I kept ending up near you because I missed you so much. But when you said stop sending you drawings I panicked. I had this whole fucking plan and then I knew it was going to piss you off instead of make things better and I had no idea what to do,” he confessed.

“What plan? Oh wait let me guess some elaborate apology through drawings,” Matteo guessed.

“Yeah,” David said sheepishly.

Matteo rolled his eyes but kissed him anyway. “I didn’t need an apology, I just needed you,” he said.

“I… Matteo?”

“Yeah, we’re ok. I know everything was messy for a while and I know I had a blip last week, and I'll have more probably but we’re ok, everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to. All that shit we went through, we can learn from it, so if you’re harsh-”

“I won't be,” David insisted.

“If you’re harsh with me in the moment, you’ll know afterwards to check in with me, because I'm so sensitive to that. If I say something stupid or make an offhand comment you can tell me why I shouldn’t say shit like that and I'll listen to you, we know each other far better because of all that we went through. We know each other's true colours, all our flaws. I know you push and you run when you need to escape, and that sometimes as much as I don’t want to, I have to give you space,” Matteo said. 

“Yes, but keep checking in,” David insisted.

“I will, always, and you know I'm prone to spiralling when I'm hurting and you can’t pull me out of it, but no matter what I tell you, I don’t want to be left alone,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“But if you hadn’t pushed me away we’d probably still be pretending everything was perfect, this way we know all the ugly shit about each other and none of it makes me love you any less, I love you more, because you get just as scared as me and yet you’re so damn brave every day and it’s incredible to me, you’re so strong and wonderful and amazing and that you love _me?_ I can’t even believe it sometimes,” Matteo said, shaking his head in amazement.

David kissed him, he had to, his wonderful boyfriend. It was mad that he was always so stunned by this fact but then David felt pretty similarly. He was always blown away by just how much Matteo loved him.

“It’s the truth,” he said.

“I know,” Matteo said.

“You do?”

“I do, I promise I do, it’s hard for me to see why most of the time but I believe you. I know you wouldn’t lie about that.”

“Never,” David promised.

“Are you ok?”

“Not really, I've been worrying about this for days,” he admitted.

“Should’ve talked to me,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, I think we should do that more shouldn’t we? When we worry about these things, it always feels better after we talk it through,” David said.

“You’re right, I always feel so good, even after the hardest conversations I feel so good when you comfort me,” Matteo said.

“And you shouldn't ever hold back from hugs, so you should talk about that, not just pull back,” David said.

Matteo nodded and started to fidget with the blankets. David pressed a kiss to his temple to encourage him.

“I should but…”

“It’s a hang up from your childhood? It’s harder?”

“Yeah.”

David had suspected as much, this wasn’t about him so much, it wasn’t as easy to just talk about it, that wouldn't make this kind of pain go away. It was deep-rooted and long-lasting but they would get there.

“I’ll combat it then, I'll just hug you until you get fed up,” David promised.

“You’ll be hugging me an awfully long time then,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“Forever David,” Matteo said.

And he knew it was true, Matteo was never going to get fed up with him, and he would never get fed up with Matteo, that was impossible.

“So we talk?”

“We talk,” Matteo agreed. 

“Even if it’s a silly fear or a stupid worry we talk, we don’t just bottle it up like that,” David said, very much aware of how much of a hypocrite he was being right now.

“We will though,” Matteo warned.

Of course they would, they were prone to avoidance and bottling up their pain. They were conditioned into it, it would be a hard cycle to break but they’d get there. They were already so much better at it. After all, David was so stressed earlier he could've easily run away. But he needed Matteo more.

“God we will, we’re too ridiculous not to. But one day it’ll be easier, talking will become the natural response and we won’t even consider bottling things up,” David said.

“Probably when we’re old,” Matteo guessed.

David liked that thought, him and Matteo old and living an easy life, with simple worries they could share without hesitation.

“Yeah probably when I'm worried about getting wrinkly, instead of thinking I'm too ugly and running away I'll sit down and say look Matteo we’re getting old am I still hot to you?” David joked. 

“No you won’t, you’ll be on the botox, you’re so vain,” Matteo teased.

David pounced on him for that. How dare he? Vain? He clambered onto Matteo and held him down until he was squirming and trying to wriggle free. 

“Oh fuck you Matteo!”

“I can see it now, you’ll still dress the same, all sexy and hot and all the magazines will call you a silver fox,” Matteo said, obviously not learning his lesson.

David pinched his sides but then leant down to kiss him anyway, blushing as he always did when Matteo called him sexy.

“What the fuck? What magazines?”

“When you’re famous,” Matteo clarified.

"Do you think I dress sexy?"

“Yes David, I'm not blind, you’re the hottest guy I've ever laid eyes on,” Matteo said, staring up at him, eyes dark like he meant it.

David felt his face getting hotter and hotter.

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

“You are though,” Matteo said, so earnestly it blew David away.

“God I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too David, so much, forget about the messages, don’t dwell on the past, things worked out exactly as they were supposed to.”

Matteo pulled David against him and ran his hands through his hair. David was completely relaxed now, all his earlier worries forgotten. Matteo was such a surprising optimist sometimes. Always saw the silver lining in things, always believed things happened for a reason. David wasn’t like that but he found Matteo’s rationale a great source of comfort. And he was right too, yeah he’d been harsh in his messages but in a way, it was what Matteo had needed. He’d done so well to pull himself out of the hole he was in, and what’s more, he'd done it without David. It meant he’d realised he was capable of helping himself, that he didn’t need to be in a relationship to be ok. And then they’d been able to start theirs fully open and honest with each other.

Yes he would always regret sending the messages, he was never going to see them as a good thing but he could appreciate that things had worked out exactly as they were supposed to and he wouldn’t go back and change a thing.


End file.
